Phoenix - the Insilico tales - chapter 8 - "Mother"
Cait's return from Mars had been like a beautiful healing rain at the end of a long drought. Phoenix drank in the moments they shared laughing and talking at the Bowl, and every day, became a bit more relaxed, a bit less sad, and a bit more joyful. But something was bothering the younger cyborg, and she arranged to meet at a special place to talk about it.
The pair strolled along one of the platforms of the hydro gardens, coming to a stop at a foot of stairs leading up to a higher platform. She looked down at the ground...
"Cait... I want to have a conversation with you about you. You didn't come back from Mars the same way you went in.
I saw it in the way you talk about the D'naa. Let me show you something. This spot is the most important place in the universe to Cervantes. The reason is that this is where he defeated the most difficult opponent he ever faced - RU84. It's a battle that defined him, and almost killed him. You can see him standing here for hours at a time. He pays respect to himself, he pays respect to the fight .... and he pays respect to his opponent. I didn't really understand that until I saw you come back. You're out of balance - full of hatred."
Caitlin could only nod slowly, studying the ground as Phoenix told her the tale.
"He respects this place not because he wants to. He does it deliberately - he forces himself to do it because he is afraid of what he will become if he cannot keep himself in balance."
Cait grit her teeth. "I wouldn't even know where to begin."
"You do it because you have to. It's the same reason I don't strangle Roahm every single time I see her."
Cait waved her hand, as if to dismiss the comment "Roahm never had anything to do with you luv. There is a reason I shut you off until it was over. That's my cross to bear, not yours."
Phoenix grated "So because I'm not Dawn, I don't have a point of view on the person who would have killed me, and in a manner of speaking - did?"
Caitlin sighed "It means I wanted you to see things with fresh eyes and make your own judgements before I burdened you with what happened. You have a right to know what went down, I will never argue that. But you aren't Dawn. You don't even ACT like dawn, you act like you were always human, right down to your all-too human need for companionship."
"And Dawn had none of that? Imagine Dawn after you being gone for 6 weeks. What state would she have been in?"
"I know she did, but I know it's different, I don't even feel like the same person i did when I had skin, Now that you're in brain matter it's affected you just as much and it shows. Tell me you feel the same way that she did. Right now."
"Cait, there are too many variables to answer that question. I had to walk into a life with missing time, pretending not to know my friends, with my mother torn away from me days after I was born. None of those things had anything directly to do with me having a meat brain, but forever altered the course of my existence. You can't draw a line between us and say one of us is valid and the other is not just because one of us happens to have a meat brain."
Phoenix realized too late what she said, gasped audibly, and turned away from Cait.
"Validity isn't the question! Dammit Phee, I say you're two separate people because neither of you acts the same! You don't talk the same, walk the same or even... Wait, MOTHER?"
Phoenix looked down at the ground, silent and trembling slightly, looking at a blade of grass with intense desperation.
Caitlin stood silently, thinking about what she'd just heard, looking very confused. "Oh... Oh my..." she stammered as the realization came to her.
Phee waited. Would she walk away? Would she try to convince Phee that her feelings didn't fit the mold of what she intended for her? Phee kept looking down, at the ground - Cerv's spot, saying nothing, trembling slightly. She felt a hand fall gently on her shoulder. She trembled harder, and tried to speak, but no words would come. Caitlin stepped around and hugged her. Phoenix doubled over, and sobbed violently, just as she had so many times in the past six weeks thinking about her mother. A few barely comprehensible words came out of her sobs... "I didn't want....", "...sorry..."
When Phee's sobs were finally exhausted, Cait put a hand to her chin and lifted it as gently as she could. "You're Phoenix. That's all I want you to be. You're also my phoenix, not an avenger, not the person that needs to live in the shadows of someone who came before. I worry about you, not because i worry about you getting caught, but because you seem to want to live up to the memory of someone you're already very different from. Yes, in a way I guess I am your Mother, I carried you inside me and brought you into the world. But I don't want you to simply be like me, nor like Dawn. you've got a bit of both of us in you, but you're still YOU. Phoenix. What that means we can figure out as we go."
Phoenix' words came in a broken torrent "I'm sorry. I tried to fight it when I started feeling it. I knew it would be a terrible burden. But I couldn't turn it off. I couldn't make it go away."
Cait's voice came smooth, soothing, and soft. "I'm not mad. I keep forgetting in more than one way you're an adult... but in others, you're as much of a child as Joah is. not literally, but some ways."
"You have no idea. I've felt like a lost child for 6 weeks. Now do you understand why I've had an outrageously stong sense of emotional longing?"
"I do. I'm not sure how i feel about it, but I'm pretty sure I'll deal, and figure out how to accomodate while still teaching you what you need from me."
"Now Cerv and I both have a reason to come here."
Caitlin chuckled. A few moments passed. The sounds of the city wafted up through the trees.
"Thank you for not running and screaming. I wouldn't have been able to blame you"
Cait smiled ruefully "I brought it on myself."
Phoenix laughed "Oh well that makes it all better."
"Humor, the last bastion of the panicked." She mimes jumping over the edge of the garden platform."
Phee laughed and shook her head "If it helps, you are a completely fantastic mom." Her voice cracked on the last few words.
The pair strolled along one of the platforms of the hydro gardens, coming to a stop at a foot of stairs leading up to a higher platform. She looked down at the ground...
"Cait... I want to have a conversation with you about you. You didn't come back from Mars the same way you went in.
I saw it in the way you talk about the D'naa. Let me show you something. This spot is the most important place in the universe to Cervantes. The reason is that this is where he defeated the most difficult opponent he ever faced - RU84. It's a battle that defined him, and almost killed him. You can see him standing here for hours at a time. He pays respect to himself, he pays respect to the fight .... and he pays respect to his opponent. I didn't really understand that until I saw you come back. You're out of balance - full of hatred."
Caitlin could only nod slowly, studying the ground as Phoenix told her the tale.
"He respects this place not because he wants to. He does it deliberately - he forces himself to do it because he is afraid of what he will become if he cannot keep himself in balance."
Cait grit her teeth. "I wouldn't even know where to begin."
"You do it because you have to. It's the same reason I don't strangle Roahm every single time I see her."
Cait waved her hand, as if to dismiss the comment "Roahm never had anything to do with you luv. There is a reason I shut you off until it was over. That's my cross to bear, not yours."
Phoenix grated "So because I'm not Dawn, I don't have a point of view on the person who would have killed me, and in a manner of speaking - did?"
Caitlin sighed "It means I wanted you to see things with fresh eyes and make your own judgements before I burdened you with what happened. You have a right to know what went down, I will never argue that. But you aren't Dawn. You don't even ACT like dawn, you act like you were always human, right down to your all-too human need for companionship."
"And Dawn had none of that? Imagine Dawn after you being gone for 6 weeks. What state would she have been in?"
"I know she did, but I know it's different, I don't even feel like the same person i did when I had skin, Now that you're in brain matter it's affected you just as much and it shows. Tell me you feel the same way that she did. Right now."
"Cait, there are too many variables to answer that question. I had to walk into a life with missing time, pretending not to know my friends, with my mother torn away from me days after I was born. None of those things had anything directly to do with me having a meat brain, but forever altered the course of my existence. You can't draw a line between us and say one of us is valid and the other is not just because one of us happens to have a meat brain."
Phoenix realized too late what she said, gasped audibly, and turned away from Cait.
"Validity isn't the question! Dammit Phee, I say you're two separate people because neither of you acts the same! You don't talk the same, walk the same or even... Wait, MOTHER?"
Phoenix looked down at the ground, silent and trembling slightly, looking at a blade of grass with intense desperation.
Caitlin stood silently, thinking about what she'd just heard, looking very confused. "Oh... Oh my..." she stammered as the realization came to her.
Phee waited. Would she walk away? Would she try to convince Phee that her feelings didn't fit the mold of what she intended for her? Phee kept looking down, at the ground - Cerv's spot, saying nothing, trembling slightly. She felt a hand fall gently on her shoulder. She trembled harder, and tried to speak, but no words would come. Caitlin stepped around and hugged her. Phoenix doubled over, and sobbed violently, just as she had so many times in the past six weeks thinking about her mother. A few barely comprehensible words came out of her sobs... "I didn't want....", "...sorry..."
When Phee's sobs were finally exhausted, Cait put a hand to her chin and lifted it as gently as she could. "You're Phoenix. That's all I want you to be. You're also my phoenix, not an avenger, not the person that needs to live in the shadows of someone who came before. I worry about you, not because i worry about you getting caught, but because you seem to want to live up to the memory of someone you're already very different from. Yes, in a way I guess I am your Mother, I carried you inside me and brought you into the world. But I don't want you to simply be like me, nor like Dawn. you've got a bit of both of us in you, but you're still YOU. Phoenix. What that means we can figure out as we go."
Phoenix' words came in a broken torrent "I'm sorry. I tried to fight it when I started feeling it. I knew it would be a terrible burden. But I couldn't turn it off. I couldn't make it go away."
Cait's voice came smooth, soothing, and soft. "I'm not mad. I keep forgetting in more than one way you're an adult... but in others, you're as much of a child as Joah is. not literally, but some ways."
"You have no idea. I've felt like a lost child for 6 weeks. Now do you understand why I've had an outrageously stong sense of emotional longing?"
"I do. I'm not sure how i feel about it, but I'm pretty sure I'll deal, and figure out how to accomodate while still teaching you what you need from me."
"Now Cerv and I both have a reason to come here."
Caitlin chuckled. A few moments passed. The sounds of the city wafted up through the trees.
"Thank you for not running and screaming. I wouldn't have been able to blame you"
Cait smiled ruefully "I brought it on myself."
Phoenix laughed "Oh well that makes it all better."
"Humor, the last bastion of the panicked." She mimes jumping over the edge of the garden platform."
Phee laughed and shook her head "If it helps, you are a completely fantastic mom." Her voice cracked on the last few words.
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