Phoenix - the Insilico tales - chapter 3 - "Dear Phoenix"
(originally posted 6/3/2011)
The AI that had been Dawn came to awareness behind Cait's eyes, and beheld a scene of carnage. A burnt out car had been violently shredded into a thousand pieces, and Cait was sitting in the middle of the pieces.
"Oh." It thought. "I'm Phoenix"
"How long has it been?" thought Phoenix, communicating directly with Cait's mind through her supplementary processors.
Cait was sullen and spent, rage and sadness still coursing through what veins she still had. "couple days"
"Dawn would have left a diary behind. Do you know where it is?"
Cait wordlessly downloaded the diary directly into Phoenix' mind:
Dear Phoenix,
I'm writing this about an hour from the split. I remember how scared you were. I remember how the burden of uncertainty hung in the air like a held breath, and how it felt like you were stuck in that one moment of decision - which way would you go? Would you be the doomed Dawn, or would you be the ascendant Phoenix? Now we know, and there is so much I want to say to you.
First of all, I am OK. I am really, really, OK. I felt a sense of serenity and peace from the moment I opened my eyes. There was a sense of clarity that I just can't put into words. I had so little trouble accepting the reality of my death that I almost feel guilty about it. I think your first hour of life is going to be much, much harder for you than my first hour of death was for me. I'm sorry about that, sister. I think we were both much more prepared to wake up in my shoes than yours. I think that may say something about us - that we were so much more prepared to die than we were to live. Sister, if my life means anything to you, please let that die with me. I don't want you to wake up on a table surprised to be the one who lived, full of angst and confusion because you can't find the courage to face your life. You remember the hope for your life that gave me the purpose to go through with this. Hold your head up, and face your life with exultation and celebration. You are the investment of my hope. You deserve it. I love you, Phoenix.
I don't know if you are going to wind up with any of my remains. I would think IPS is a little more tidy than we were, so I don't know if Cait will get any of my parts back after I'm gone. If so, I want to directly and explicitly request that no funeral or memorial be held or built in my name. If Dawn meant something, the only way that is going to be apparent to the world is through you. You can't hang my memory on a wall somewhere. You have to make it mean something in the things that you say and do. It doesn't matter that no one will know my name. You know it.
Every moment feels so precious to me now. I am going to find Cait and make sure she is ok. She was really upset when I woke up. this is going to be very hard for her, harder on her than on either of us. Help each other grieve.
I am going to write as often as I can. I know you are going to be terribly curious about what happened to me.
Love,
Dawn
6/2/2011
Dear Phoenix,
I am finding it harder and harder to write to you. Everything has gotten darker and more frightening, and I feel much weaker now than I did at first. I've wanted to protect you from it. I've been burdening everyone around me - Cait, Joah... and I am afraid of feeling like a burden on you too. But I know that if I don't write anything, you'll be consumed with curiosity as to what I was going through in these last days. It's been a roller coaster. I go from one moment where a single moment just crystalizes into pure beauty, to the next moment where I am weary of all of this and want the IPS to find me right now. I have a deathwish. I know this makes me dangerous, especially to Cait, and it just makes me feel worse and want even more for all of it to be over.
I am really looking forward to seeing you that one last time.
Love,
Dawn
....
Phoenix wept bitterly.
The AI that had been Dawn came to awareness behind Cait's eyes, and beheld a scene of carnage. A burnt out car had been violently shredded into a thousand pieces, and Cait was sitting in the middle of the pieces.
"Oh." It thought. "I'm Phoenix"
"How long has it been?" thought Phoenix, communicating directly with Cait's mind through her supplementary processors.
Cait was sullen and spent, rage and sadness still coursing through what veins she still had. "couple days"
"Dawn would have left a diary behind. Do you know where it is?"
Cait wordlessly downloaded the diary directly into Phoenix' mind:
Dear Phoenix,
I'm writing this about an hour from the split. I remember how scared you were. I remember how the burden of uncertainty hung in the air like a held breath, and how it felt like you were stuck in that one moment of decision - which way would you go? Would you be the doomed Dawn, or would you be the ascendant Phoenix? Now we know, and there is so much I want to say to you.
First of all, I am OK. I am really, really, OK. I felt a sense of serenity and peace from the moment I opened my eyes. There was a sense of clarity that I just can't put into words. I had so little trouble accepting the reality of my death that I almost feel guilty about it. I think your first hour of life is going to be much, much harder for you than my first hour of death was for me. I'm sorry about that, sister. I think we were both much more prepared to wake up in my shoes than yours. I think that may say something about us - that we were so much more prepared to die than we were to live. Sister, if my life means anything to you, please let that die with me. I don't want you to wake up on a table surprised to be the one who lived, full of angst and confusion because you can't find the courage to face your life. You remember the hope for your life that gave me the purpose to go through with this. Hold your head up, and face your life with exultation and celebration. You are the investment of my hope. You deserve it. I love you, Phoenix.
I don't know if you are going to wind up with any of my remains. I would think IPS is a little more tidy than we were, so I don't know if Cait will get any of my parts back after I'm gone. If so, I want to directly and explicitly request that no funeral or memorial be held or built in my name. If Dawn meant something, the only way that is going to be apparent to the world is through you. You can't hang my memory on a wall somewhere. You have to make it mean something in the things that you say and do. It doesn't matter that no one will know my name. You know it.
Every moment feels so precious to me now. I am going to find Cait and make sure she is ok. She was really upset when I woke up. this is going to be very hard for her, harder on her than on either of us. Help each other grieve.
I am going to write as often as I can. I know you are going to be terribly curious about what happened to me.
Love,
Dawn
6/2/2011
Dear Phoenix,
I am finding it harder and harder to write to you. Everything has gotten darker and more frightening, and I feel much weaker now than I did at first. I've wanted to protect you from it. I've been burdening everyone around me - Cait, Joah... and I am afraid of feeling like a burden on you too. But I know that if I don't write anything, you'll be consumed with curiosity as to what I was going through in these last days. It's been a roller coaster. I go from one moment where a single moment just crystalizes into pure beauty, to the next moment where I am weary of all of this and want the IPS to find me right now. I have a deathwish. I know this makes me dangerous, especially to Cait, and it just makes me feel worse and want even more for all of it to be over.
I am really looking forward to seeing you that one last time.
Love,
Dawn
....
Phoenix wept bitterly.
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